How to...

write a query.

A useful nugget:

Describe the book you've written as though you're telling a friend about a great book they'll want to read right now.

How Not to...

write a query.

'Nuff said.

More Comma Hunting

This time of a different sort...

Coordinate adjectives.

I've used these perhaps a little too much, maybe as much as one or two per chapter and I didn’t even know it was a style crime.

We all know that in some circumstances we should use a comma to separate a pair of adjectives that describe the same noun.

The Owl defines the rule quite clearly and there is even a test to make sure they are coordinate and not cumulative adjectives:

6. Use commas to separate two or more coordinate adjectives that describe the same noun. Be sure never to add an extra comma between the final adjective and the noun itself or to use commas with non-coordinate adjectives.

They’ve been bothering me since I read Allen Guthrie's Infamous Writing Tips on the Absolute Write Water Cooler Forums.

Here’s a snippet:

5: Pairs of adjectives are exponentially worse than single adjectives. The ‘big, old’ man walked slowly towards the ‘tall, beautiful’ girl. When I read a sentence like that, I’m hoping he dies before he arrives at his destination. Mind you, that’s probably a cue for a ‘noisy, white’ ambulance to arrive. Wailingly, perhaps!

Here's Allen Guthrie's tip sheet.

How do you feel about them? Is it OK to use them sparingly or should coordinate adjectives be banned?

Honest Editing

I've been working on my first chapter (again). I know I shouldn't but I couldn't help it.

I must admit I was proud of the opening hook after the last rewrite, but on reflection it’s -well -er -um crap.

I still want the same hook but damn I need to write it better.

I've been working on the rest of the chapter the last few days and today I realised what was wrong with it. It is boring - really boring.

I need to get rid of the rubbish. I can fix the pacing problems of this chapter by keeping the last part of the chapter as that's quite strong. There is some essential information that needs to go in somewhere, but I can work that into any of the first half a dozen or so chapters and there is one plot-device that needs to be retained. That I've decided can be moved into the next scene.

Problem solved.

Reading to be a Better Writer

I've just picked up a copy of The Starflight Handbook - A Pioneer′s Guide to Interstellar Travel. It's been on my wish list for a while so I was rather surprised when it plopped onto the doormat courtesy of my girlfriend (an early Valentines gift).

I don't know whether it will help with WIP but it'll certainly add an element of realism when I come to revise.

On the horizon is Seeds of Earth (Humanity's Fire) by Michael Cobley.

I've been looking forward to it since I heard about it a couple of months ago. The back cover sold me I can't wait to read this:

First contact was not supposed to be like this. The first intelligent species to encounter Mankind attacked without warning and swarmed locust-like through the solar system. Merciless. Relentless. Unstoppable. With little hope of halting the savage invasion, Earth's last, desperate roll of the dice was to send out three colony ships, seeds of Earth, to different parts of the galaxy. Earth may perish but the human race would live on ...somewhere. 150 years later, the human colony on the planet Darien has established a new world for Humanity and forged a peaceful relationship with the planet's indigenous race, the scholarly, enigmatic Uvovo. But there are secrets buried beneath the surface of Darien's forest moon. Secrets that go back to an apocalyptic battle fought between ancient forerunner races at the dawn of galactic civilisation...

Seeds of Earth is published by Orbit in the UK on the 5 March 2009.

The Elevator Pitch Part IV addendum

I couldn't leave it alone...

A wanted man suffering from amnesia searches for clues to his past and a way to destroy a prototype weapon, which has the power to enslave billions, before it falls into the hands of a powerful religious cult.

Update: I read it and I just wanna change it all the time...

A wanted man suffering from amnesia searches for clues to his past and a way to destroy a prototype weapon that has the power to enslave billions, before it can fall into the hands of a powerful religious cult.

The Elevator Pitch Part IV

OK, a couple of points need improving to move this pitch to the next level.

As a one-sentence summary, what I've written works reasonably well. There needs to be a little more to it though and I've identified the issues with it in a previous post.

A one-sentence summary can be quite useful. Imagine being in that elevator and the Agent/Editor's floor is next. The doors slide open and just before they exit the elevator, they ask you what you are writing.

A short tag line or one sentence summary can also help maintain focus on the overall big picture. This is something that's helped me very recently.

Rachelle advocates having several different pitches for different situations.

So, I'll keep the tagline format for now and then I'll move onto a conversational format.

Hunted across the galaxy by a powerful religious cult, an amnesiac searches for clues to his past and the forgotten knowledge of a prototype weapon that has the power to enslave billions.

I'll drop forgotten knowledge it still sounds pants. The hero needs to destroy this weapon to prevent a terrible fate befalling billions of innocent people, so that needs to go in too.

An amnesiac is hunted across the galaxy whilst he searches for clues to his past and must destroy a prototype weapon, which has the power to enslave billions, before it falls into the hands of a powerful religious cult.

Hmmm.

Has this improved the pitch? I'll give a reserved yes to that question. It now has the hero's aims in it so in that respect it is slightly better.

An amnesiac, wanted throughout the galaxy, searches for clues to his past and must destroy a prototype weapon, which has the power to enslave billions, before it falls into the hands of a powerful religious cult.

This sounds much better. The religious cult isn’t the only group searching for the protagonist so it still fulfils the requirement of a one-sentence summary.

In Part V I'll look at making this pitch more conversational. In the meantime check out Rachelle's critiques on elevator pitches in The Elevator Pitch, Part 1 and The Elevator Pitch, Second Floor