OK, a couple of points need improving to move this pitch to the next level.
As a one-sentence summary, what I've written works reasonably well. There needs to be a little more to it though and I've identified the issues with it in a previous post.
A one-sentence summary can be quite useful. Imagine being in that elevator and the Agent/Editor's floor is next. The doors slide open and just before they exit the elevator, they ask you what you are writing.
A short tag line or one sentence summary can also help maintain focus on the overall big picture. This is something that's helped me very recently.
Rachelle advocates having several different pitches for different situations.
So, I'll keep the tagline format for now and then I'll move onto a conversational format.
Hunted across the galaxy by a powerful religious cult, an amnesiac searches for clues to his past and the forgotten knowledge of a prototype weapon that has the power to enslave billions.
I'll drop forgotten knowledge it still sounds pants. The hero needs to destroy this weapon to prevent a terrible fate befalling billions of innocent people, so that needs to go in too.
An amnesiac is hunted across the galaxy whilst he searches for clues to his past and must destroy a prototype weapon, which has the power to enslave billions, before it falls into the hands of a powerful religious cult.
Has this improved the pitch? I'll give a reserved yes to that question. It now has the hero's aims in it so in that respect it is slightly better.
An amnesiac, wanted throughout the galaxy, searches for clues to his past and must destroy a prototype weapon, which has the power to enslave billions, before it falls into the hands of a powerful religious cult.
This sounds much better. The religious cult isn’t the only group searching for the protagonist so it still fulfils the requirement of a one-sentence summary.
In Part V I'll look at making this pitch more conversational. In the meantime check out Rachelle's critiques on elevator pitches in The Elevator Pitch, Part 1 and The Elevator Pitch, Second Floor
3 weeks ago