An amnesiac, on the run from the Police, searches for clues to his past whilst hunted by a powerful religious cult.
And
An amnesiac, chased across the galaxy by the Police, searches for clues to his past whilst hunted by a powerful religious cult.
They're both pretty much same ol, same ol, but the second one provides a vital clue about the genre I am writing in. Without 'chased across the galaxy' I could be writing a thriller, which I am not so that stays.
Adam over on Author's Echo has produced a nice list, about what should be in a typical hook, and I am going to use it here to break down my elevator pitch.
- Protagonist. Who is the story about? Check: an amnesiac.
- Antagonist. Who or what is against the protagonist? Check: Police. Check: powerful religious cult.
- Goal. What does the protagonist want to accomplish? Check: searches for clues to his past
- Stakes. What will happen if the protagonist does not accomplish their goal? Ooops: nothing for this so far.
- Conflict. What is keeping the protagonist from accomplish their goal? Check: Police. Check: powerful religious cult.
- Setting. Where/when does the story take place? Check: the galaxy.
- Theme. What is the story's main subject or idea? Ooops: nothing for this one either.
Hunted across the galaxy, by a powerful religious cult, an amnesiac searches for clues to his past and tries to remember the knowledge of a prototype device that has the power to enslave trillions of people.
Getting warmer?
Trillions is a bit over dramatic and there's bound to have been several wars to wipe out a few billion people here and there. Then there's device which is a bit non descript. Perhaps weapon would be better, although the device in question isn't as such but it does have the power to be a weapon, so weapon it is. Also, people is a bit superfluous although the idea is to be specific.
I'll try it as:
Hunted across the galaxy, by a powerful religious cult, an amnesiac searches for clues to his past and tries to remember the knowledge of a prototype weapon that has the power to enslave billions.
Now we have the stakes power to enslave billions and the idea in the subtext is simply good vs. evil or as I like to say baddies doing bad things and goodies doing good things. yay!
So it's all done, for now anyway. . .
Posts
I hesitate to offer advice, since English is my second language, so take it with a grain of salt. Here goes...
ReplyDelete*) Minor niggle: I think the first comma is superfluous.
*) ...tries to remember knowledge... sounds klunky, at least to me. Can you even remember knowledge? And since he is trying to remember it, he already has knowledge of it, doesn't he?
How about Hunted across the galaxy by a powerful religious cult, an amnesiac searches for clues to his past and tries to remember how to build a prototype weapon that has the power to enslave billions.
Although... will he enslave billions with it to save himself from the cult? If not, how will it help him then? It would be nice if a hint of that was also in the sentence - but as you can see, at least your elevator pitch hooked me ;)
:-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for your suggestions Boris.
There will be a third post on this as I'm not happy with pitch as it stands and now I can see why so thank you again!